Pilatus: The Pith Impact
by Temjin-On
Summary: A powerful machine falls out of the sky and onto Shinji, forever changing the world as he knows it.


**(Author's Notes:** Welcome to Pilatus: The Pi-th Impact. Most of you clicking this will probably have no idea what the heck Pilatus is or why I chose to do this story. The simple fact is I thought it would be fun to do a random story in Evangelion with my favorite plot device. To sum things up, this story kinda explains all you need to know, so there for you don't need to worry about reading the other Pilatus, as it doesn't really apply to this one at all. And for fans of the other Pilatus story, yes, an update is coming, be chilled, I'll get to it, don't worry! Alright, the main point here is that this is supposed to be a 'random' fic, but an intelligent one. It's not your ordinary super-hyper caffeine and sugar filled random fic, this is one that I put a lot of thought into. Granted it probably isn't done as well as it could be, but hey, I'm kinda lazy, so I should be thankful that I was able to finish this chapter at all! Overall, commenting on the story, it starts of random, and then towards the end of the chapter gets more serious, and I'm sorry if that's just not a good thing, but I figured what happens will fit nicely into the overall story, so... yeah. This fic might not be for everyone, but I hope that someone gets some enjoyment out of it. I am also sorry in advance for the OOCness of some characters! I hereby apologize now for any errors in the fic or any just unenjoyable aspects of it. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy, and if you do, please feel free to leave me a review of what you liked, why you liked, or what you didn't like and why. Enjoy guys and girls.

**(Dislaimer!** I, the author of this fanfiction do not own Evangelion. It belongs to Mr. Anno, not me.

**Pilatus: The Pi-th Impact**

**Chapter One: Deus Ex Evangelion**

Drifting alone and silently through time and space, the blessing and curse that was Pilatus floated uncertainly through a galaxy similar to where it had been willed into existence, ironically by another Pilatus unit. Pilatus, is the name given to what for in all intents and purposes is _the _Deus Ex Machina, a machine that can do anything without having to obey any laws of nature, logic or sanity. This specific unit, CEB-314, had been designed as a Beta unit, to surpass and eclipse the power and significance of all Pilatus units before it, including the original. The complexity of the whole idea behind CEB-314 is almost incomprehensible, begging the question of just how a machine that does everything can be improved when it is already perfect to a level several fathoms above what humans could ever dream of understanding and defining as perfect. Regardless, the mere presence of a Pilatus unit floating through the voids of space in it's original shipping box would just go to prove one universal law; Even the most evil of geniuses with the most elaborate of evil empires was still at the mercy of shipping and handling. But it was the shipping error of the century if a package as important as this managed to get thrown into a whole separate dimension. Pandora's box had inadvertently opened itself on an already chaotic world, and not even the wrath of a thousand angry and vengeful gods could stop the rock, so to speak.

It was a calm and relatively normal day in the fortress city of Tokyo-3. Normal days would be generally defined as a day without an Angel attack. Angels of course not being holy creatures with wings or cherubic in any manner, but hideous and gigantic monsters hellbent on destroying humanity that like to take strolls through Tokyo-3. Those Angels of course being the reason for the presence of three active Evangelions and all those hassling evacuation drills the citizens had to go through. But all in all, aside from it's deep and dark secrets, Tokyo-3 is a great place to live, just as long as you are blissfully ignorant. This calm and surprisingly normal day, however was about to be shattered as the container holding CEB-314 fell towards Tokyo-3. In fact, as irony would have it, the box was heading straight for the assigned pilots of the aforementioned Evangelions that were so active in the city. And in an even larger yet unsurprising twist of fate and irony, the container was heading straight for one pilot in general, the much troubled and depressed Shinji Ikari.

"Honestly Shinji, could you be anymore of an idiot?" asked Asuka, who has a terrible habit of asking Shinji rhetorical questions that he couldn't hope to answer. Not that he would ever talk back in defense to anyone who was belittling him, anyway.

"Sorry..." replied Shinji is his trademark tone of mixed depression and self-loathing. He lifted his head to the sky for a moment, and exactly two milliseconds before impact, he saw the large shipping container falling straight at him. He never stood a chance.

Since the crate was only about seven feet tall, the impact was rather small, yet it still knocked Asuka and Rei off their feet.

For as loud and vocal of a person as she usually was, in this instance Asuka couldn't find anything to say. Rei, on the other hand just pulled out her cell phone, punching a button on her keypad. "Hello, Commander Ikari? A shipping container has fallen out of the sky and struck Pilot Ikari, requesting assistance." she paused and listened. "No sir, I do not know what is in the container or why it was airborne. Commander, are you going to be sending assistance, I think Pilot Ikari is on the verge of death." she paused a final time. "Understood." she ended the call. Rei looked down at the box sitting at the bottom of it's newly formed depression in the concrete. "Pilot Ikari, if you can hear me, and you still possess cognitive abilities, listen carefully. The Commander is sending help, but due to budget cuts and overspending, response times have been cut back from mere minutes to possibly an hour or more. Also, you are instructed to at all costs put priority of the preservation of the container and it's contents over your own safety."

**Four Hours Later, Inside NERV**

Two hours and forty-seven minutes after Rei called for help, the crews finally arrived to retrieve the box and Shinji, who was still alive. Further, he was alive and relatively unscathed, giving some truth to the moniker given to him by Asuka, he really was the Invincible Shinji Ikari.

But all attention was turned to the container in question. Dr. Ritsuko Akagi would have loved to have a team of scientists working with her round the clock, but instead, due to budget issues, all she had to work with was Maya Ibuki.

Ritsuko looked at the crowbar she was holding and sighed. "Well, let's get this over with." She inserted her crowbar on the right side of the box, with Maya on the left. "And... Push!"

The container curiously opened with all sides falling away, with the top being split into four parts and being attached to each of the four side walls, revealing an odd looking spectacle. A gunmetal terminal, looking much like an arcade cabinet was seated in the middle of the box, with it's screen giving off a faint glow and containing a phrase in Japanese. It read, "Pilatus CEB-314 Operational; Please input your command."

"... An arcade game?" asked Maya, dropping her crowbar. "Why on earth did that fall from the sky?"

"I don't think... it is a simple video game, Maya." replied Ritsuko, walking up closer to peer at the screen. "Pilatus? Have you ever heard of that anywhere?"

Maya shook her head. "No ma'am."

"A command..." muttered Ritsuko out loud, looking down at the keyboard. "Lets try... help." Before should could type anything, the screen was filled with information. "Huh, it's voice activated, that's interesting." Ritsuko looked through the list of help files and commands and one caught her attention. "State your purpose."

The screen flashed and wrote, _To circumvent everything, create anything and everything, and to substitute realities_.

"Maya, what do you make of this?"

"I don't know... That purpose is odd, how do you think we should test it?"

"Ask it for something I suppose." Ritsuko faced the screen. "Pilatus, I would like a cup of coffee, two sugars, no creme."

Pilatus began to glow and gave a not unlike that of an Easy Bake oven. To her utter surprise, Ritsuko felt something heavy in her hand, and sure enough there was a sup of coffee.

"Sempai, don't drink it!" said Maya sharply. "It could be poison!"

Ritsuko shrugged and took a sip. "It's coffee, and damn tasty, too!" She set the coffee aside and looked again at Pilatus. "Alright then... Pilatus, I would like you to create for me something that would not normally exist."

Pilatus let off a soft glow and produced yet another ding after about thirty seconds. After this, a cat not unlike a British Shorthair jumped up onto the console.

"A cat?" asked Ritsuko. "I have a couple cats at home, and that is a pretty common looking cat at that."

The cat turned and looked Ritsuko in the eyes. It opened it's mouth and something completely unexpected happened. It spoke.

"NEDM."said the cat. Curiously, this nonsensical word was followed by a short loop of a techno song.

Ritsuko and Maya stood mouths agape as the cat simply smiled and winked at them, before making a casual exit to a nearby lab table.

"That cat..." said Maya.

"Just spoke to us..." finished Ritsuko. "Okay... Pilatus, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to manifest your A.I. in an interactive holographic image so that you may temporarily interface with me better. I have a few questions I'd like to ask."

After a short glow and ding period, a hologram of a man manifested itself in front of the Pilatus unit.

"Greetings." said the hologram. "I am Pilatus unit Beta-314 of the Collective Empire of the Universe. Though that is somewhat incorrect. I am no longer within my universe of origin. So for all intents and purposes that organization has no meaning to you and hence has little baring on my programming."

"Alright." said Ritsuko. "But I would like you to tell me about where you were created."

"I was created in a base on the planet Sterling, some twenty-five light years away from Pilatus Base, the current seat of power of the Collective Empire. Sterling lies in an out of the way part of the Milky Way galaxy, at least in my universe of origin." the hologram paused. "I seem to have been jolted from my carrying vessel, perhaps in an attack by Earth forces. In this jolt I may have accidently opened a portal to this universe, which caused my arrival here. I am merely a victim of a shipping error."

Ritsuko looked over to Maya who was sitting at a MAGI terminal. A thumbs up from Maya signaled that they were recording this all. "Alright, now please, tell me, why did the Collective Empire create Pilatus?"

"They did not create _the _Pilatus, the original was created on somewhere in the Kanagawa prefecture of Japan in and around the year 2001. From there, the founder of the Collective Empire, a roommate and friend of the creator, used the original Pilatus to make herself one. From there things kind of spiraled out of control." the hologram began to look slightly irritated. "Though as I said, the exploits of the Collective Empire have little baring on anything that goes on in this universe."

"Perhaps, but I am just doing what I have been ordered to do, gather information. Now, tell me, what have your main functions been in the past?"

"I have personally had no functions up until I was activated by you. But many other Pilatus units have been used extensively in the creation of arsenals and fleets of warships, ironically from a lot of science fiction movies and video games in the origin universe. Units have also been used extensively for the cloning of armies on all sides, as well as creating whole extra dimensions to house facilities and manpower."

"Cloning?" asked Ritsuko. "What is the current success rate?"

"All cloning activities have been successfully completed with healthy clones."

"You've found a way to create complete and stable souls?"

"It is part of my programming. Anything is possible, because I make it so."

"How can that be accomplished?"

"I have to admit, I can't explain it. Since the idea of Pilatus was made a reality, all units have always run the same way. Simply put, we have always worked without really stopping to ponder why we work. So I can't say."

Ritsuko face faulted. "You don't even know how you work?"

"I do not. I do know for a fact that I do work correctly, but I can't tell you how."

"Perhaps I shall take you apart to see how you work." said Ritsuko.

"That would be unwise."

"Oh?"

"Yes. If my predictions are correct, if you try to open up a Pilatus unit while it is powered up, which it always is, you will cause an abnormality of such great proportions that all life on this planet would cease to exist. Though the probability of that happening is Pi to the tenth power to one, an improbable number." the hologram smiled darkly. "Of course, it's not totally improbable, if ordered to, I could make it probable and hence commit global genocide."

Maya gasped. "So it'd cause the Third Impact?"

"Not the Third, Maya, but the Pi-th Impact." Ritsuko said darkly.

"The Pi-th Impact?"

"Yes. Since he said that it was Pi to the tenth power to one odds wise for that to happen." Ritsuko sighed. "Can't I ask you to look at yourself from the inside to find the inner workings?"

"Yes, but, that could also cause the 'Pi-th Impact', as you put it. So, it's your gamble."

Ritsuko took off her glasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "That should be all, Pilatus. Go ahead and end the program, I have a rather lengthy report to type up..." The hologram blinked out of existence, and Maya turned for the door. "Maya, were are you going, I would like your help with this report."

Maya looked over her shoulder and gave a very frazzled look. "If it's all the same to you, I was going to go and take a nice long nap till I wake up from this dream."

"Yeah... I know what you mean." smiled Ritsuko. "You work for NERV, and even for us this is just too far out there. You think we'd all be used to strange things around here, but, hey, what are you going to do?"

"Curse anyone who will listen about a dynamic workplace?"

Ritsuko chuckled. "Go on and get some coffee and some fresh air to clear your head." Maya simply nodded and walked off. Once the door closed behind her, Ritsuko let out a heavy sigh and slumped into a chair in front of the MAGI terminal. "This damn thing is going to turn out to be more trouble than any angel, I know it."

**Minutes later, in the Hospital**

Shinji awoke, a little worse for wear, but he survived, despite how improbable it was for him to do so. He thought first of the unfamiliar ceiling that was becoming more familiar to him, and cursed it. Immediately after this he thought about just what had happened to him, going so far as to vocalize his confusion. "What happened to me?"

"You were crushed under a falling shipping container." said the unmistakably soft voice of Rei Ayanami "It was exactly two hours and forty-seven minutes before you were rescued from under the container."

Shinji looked at Rei quizzically. "Where d id that container come from? They aren't usually something to fall out of the sky."

"We do not know, but I personally believe it came from space."

Shinji quirked an eyebrow. "You do?"

"Is there something wrong with that? Perhaps you have a better theory?"

"No... It just seems uncharacteristic of you, Rei. That's a very irrational explanation for someone as rational as you."

"It was giving off a small amount of smoke as it fell, noting that it had to have been on fire at some point, only possible if it fell from a high enough layer of atmosphere to create re-entry friction." said Rei in a matter-of-fact kind of way. "I am sure if it is something that is valuable to our goals and purpose, we will be briefed about what really fell out of the sky and why it did so."

"Oh... never mind then." Shinji sighed. "Shouldn't that container have killed me?"

"Yes."

"Why am I still alive?"

"I do not know."

Shinji shook his head. "Sometimes I wonder if I have a guardian angel watching over me... But more likely than not it's just some sadistic deity that enjoys watching me suffer, and when the chance comes along for it all to end he has to prolong my fate so he can ruin my life some more!" Shinji hung his head low enough that his chin rested on his chest. His thoughts were broken however, by a rather loud noise.

"SHINJIII!" hollered Misato, who had slipped in moments before, as she ran to Shinji and pulled him into a hug that cut off his circulation and buried his face in her cleavage. "Don't ever scare me like that again, I was worried sick, you could have died!"

Shinji tried to reply, but only Misato's breasts could hear what he was saying correctly, everyone else heard muffled speech.

"You know Misato, the nurses have taken to calling you snuzzlebunnies by the way you act when you are around the hospital wing." said Kaji, strolling in as casual as always. "Which is a very apt way of describing it, believe me." Misato dropped Shinji and turned to glare at Kaji.

"Thank... you..." gasped Shinji as he slumped back into his bed.

"And just what have I done to earn a nickname like that?"

"You do glomp Shinji each and every single time he is in the hospital." Kaji smirked. "Hell, he was in here for an overnight stay after a test and the next morning you nearly broke a few of his ribs in a massive hug."

"Quiet you, you're just jealous."

Kaji quirked an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Yes, jealous of a teenager!" said Misato. "By the way, don't you have some poor nurse to go and hit on? So why don't you just get back to your routine and try to score elsewhere, because _these_ goodies, are staying locked in the jar."

Kaji shrugged. "Fine, fine. I'm off. Oh and Shinji, you are one lucky kid, remember that."

"Yeah." sighed Shinji. "Lucky is one way of putting it."

"It sounds to me like someone needs another hug!" said Misato happily as she pulled Shinji into yet another bone crushing hug.

Outside the hospital room, a passing nurse walked by and shook her head, mumbling, "Snuzzlebunnies strikes again."

**Later that evening, in the office of the Commander**

"I've read the report you submitted regarding the incident with the Third Child, and I am very disappointed." said Gendo from behind folded hands. "It seems to me that you have lost your mind. Or that there was some sort of drug and or nerve agent released when you opened the container."

"I can assure you that I am healthy and in a sound state of mind, sir." Ritsuko said. "Everything in there is true."

"You expect me to believe that some magical box fell out of the sky and is now in our possession?"

"Yes. Given what goes on here, is that so hard to accept, Gendo?" asked Ritsuko. "I figured you would very accepting of this turn of events and would exploit it as only you can."

"This goes against the scenario. There was never any mention of a Pilatus or anther universe or anything of that nature." replied Gendo. "That is why I have trouble accepting this."

"Frankly sir, your scenario effectively has no use anymore, anything you could ever want to accomplish can be done with Pilatus, as far as I can gather."

Gendo slammed his hands down on his desk. "Are you saying that all of what I've been doing here has been for nothing?"

"Yes. You can accomplish all your little goals in about five minutes with Pilatus, if you so desire."

"Bring it to me." said Gendo in an uncharacteristically hushed voice. "I want it in here now."

Ritsuko smiled darkly. "I had a feeling that you would say that." Ritsuko walked back a few feet into the prevailing darkness of Gendo's office and wheeled out the characteristic arcade-cabinet looking Pilatus.

"That's it?"

"Don't be fooled, it will do whatever you want it to, with either a voice command or typed command."

Gendo stepped out from behind his desk, and walked over to stand before Pilatus. Curiously, he was sweating, even though it was frigid in his office. He looked straight at the ready message on the screen and took a sharp breath. "Pilatus, I want you to remove the soul of Yui Ikari from the core of Evangelion Unit-01 and reincarnate her before me as she was."

Pilatus began to glow and this time gave off a blinding flash of light just before giving it's trademark ding, signifying that the job was done.

When Gendo was able to see again, he nearly passed out, because before him was the person who had been his ultimate goal for the past decade, before him was his once trapped wife, Yui Ikari, dressed in the same plugsuit as she was the day she was lost. "Yu... Yui." Gendo scrambled forward and in an act totally uncharacteristic of his usually cold demeanor went to try to embrace his wife. "Finally... you're back."

"Hello, you bastard." said Yui as she kneed Gendo square in the crotch, dropping him to the ground. "What do you have to say for yourself, you damn fool?"

"Wh...what?" yelped Gendo in pain.

"I asked you, what do you have to say for yourself?" Yui bent down and pulled Gendo to his feet, drawing his face close into hers. "I've felt his pain, Gendo. How could you do that to our son? How could you abandon him?"

"I did what had to be done to join you, so that we could be together again!"

"Good going asshole! You might as well killed yourself ten years ago if you had honestly believed I was dead!" yelled Yui, as she pushed Gendo, flinging him hard against his desk. "Shinji wouldn't have known the difference one way or the other since you weren't even there!"

"But..."

"But nothing Gendo! Face it, you failed me. For ten years I hoped to myself inside my prison in that Evangelion, hoping that Shinji was growing up okay." she stared coldly into Gendo's eyes. "It was up to you to raise him, it's what I would have wanted, and you failed me." Yui sighed. "Well, you got what you wanted, didn't you? I'm alive again, but at what cost, you sick, selfish bastard?"

"The past ten years of my life, I've worked to reunite us, my love. How can you do this to me?"

"How can I do this to you? Simple. You're dead to me Gendo. The man I used to love died ten years ago. And for what you've done to my son, I can never forgive you." Gendo hung his head and said nothing as Yui turned her back to him.

Meanwhile, Ritsuko had stood by the entire time watching in a state of awe as the Commander was ripped a new one. Finally, she was able to form a sentence. "I never thought I would see the day that man lost face."

"I never thought I would see the day when I was finally able to be alive again and see my son." Yui sighed. "But I guess there is a first time for everything, right?"

"Yes, I suppose there is." said Ritsuko. "I don't remember you having such a temper."

Yui blinked and the smiled. "Ritsuko Akagi, why, I never thought you'd follow in your mother's footsteps."

"Well, it was a good choice while in college, what with NERV becoming what is it."

"Perhaps we can reminisce at another time, right now I'd like to know how I was brought back, but I have a pretty good idea of how already." Yui pointed to Pilatus. "It was that, wasn't it?"

Ritsuko nodded. "It's called Pilatus, and to make a long story short, it fell from the sky onto Shinji after being lost during transit in another universe."

Yui gasped. "Oh god, is he okay?"

"Yeah, surprisingly. He's fine. He is in the hospital right now, but there is barely a scratch on him."

"So... what does this Pilatus thing do?"

"It does whatever you tell it to, regardless if it is possible or not, and it makes it possible and does it." Ritsuko looked at the blank stare she was getting from Yui. "You are proof enough that it works. If you want to give it a try, just go over there and give it a voice command."

Yui smiled. "Alright, I think I will give it a try." She walked over and looked at the screen. "Pilatus, I would first like you to give me a set of clothes, I don't want to be walking around here in this plugsuit. I am thinking something like, oh, standard female uniform for this organization." Pilatus gave its glow and ding and just like that, Yui was dressed like so many other females in NERV. She looked over her shoulder and Gendo and grinned. "Alright now, Pilatus, it's time for some maternal rage, please encase Gendo over there in a soundproof chamber, something to prevent him from using you, but something that will keep him alive just the same, at least until I figure out what else to do with him." After she said this, Gendo was incased in his new glass prison, not that he noticed anyway. He was still shocked from being rejected by the only person who ever really mattered the most to him.

Ritsuko simply raised an eyebrow and shook her head. "Now, how would you like to go visit Shinji?"

"Yes lets go right now!" blurted out Yui in excitement.

Ritsuko lead Yui to the door and then to the hospital wing, leaving behind the coldness of the Commander's office and it's currently imprisoned master.

**Ten minutes later, back in Shinji's hospital room.**

Shinji was sitting in bed, talking with Misato about what she would like for dinner when he was released from the hospital. Shinji soon found this to be an unwise topic of discussion as he was soon being described a four course meal.

"Are you sure you can eat all of that?" asked Shinji. "That is a lot of food, even for you me and Asuka."

"Shinji! Are you calling me fat?"

"No...no!" blurted Shinji. "It's... just you know, a lot of food."

"Then we'll just have to invite Rei and Ritsuko and oh I don't know, all sorts of people!" Misato said happily. "It'll be fun! You know how I love parties!"

Shinji sighed. "Oh alright. I don't mind cooking for you, Misato."

It was at that moment that a knock came on the door outside. Though the door was open, whoever was there still decided to knock.

"I'll get it." said Misato, standing up and walking to the door. When she got there she was met by Ritsuko and a woman she had never seen before.

"Good evening, Misato, how's things?" asked Ritsuko.

"Good, good." replied Misato. "Just going over some dinner plans with Shinji, who has agreed to cook for a party once he gets out of the hospital."

"Oh? What's the occasion?"

"Him getting out of the hospital and Asuka and I being able to eat good cooking again." Misato looked over at Yui. "Oh who's this? I don't think I've seen her before."

Ritsuko sighed. "Come with me, Misato, I've got a lot to tell you about. Let her go and say hello to Shinji, I think it's unfair we've made her wait this long."

"What do you mean? Who is she, anyway?"

"Misato, just come with me already, you don't need to worry about Shinji, she'd never hurt her own son."

"Son...? But... isn't Shinji's mother dead?"

Yui turned to Misato. "Do I look dead to you?"

"No..."

"Dr. Akagi will explain everything to you, she needs a trial run before she informs the entire staff about what is going on."

"O...kay" muttered a confused Misato as she followed Ritsuko off.

Seizing the moment, Yui walked into Shinji's room and looked at him. He was sitting up in bed and was waiting for Misato to return. She walked in a little farther and stood by Shinji's bedside. "Hello, Shinji."

Shinji turned to face the voice who had addressed him and his heart skipped a beat. "Mo...mom?"

"OH SHINJI!" yelled Yui as she lunged forward and pulled her son into the first hug she'd given him in ten years. "Oh I'm so glad your okay!" Shinji hadn't heard anything after Yui pulled him into the hug, he had passed out from disbelief.

**End Chapter One**


End file.
